I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
