i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
