I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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