I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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