somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
