We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
