Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize