Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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