apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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