I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
