K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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