I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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