Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
