Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
