You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
