When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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