Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
