she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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