I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
