Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
