Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize