I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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