I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
