Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
