What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
