i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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