I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
be right there i have to get my cape
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize