I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
