I am midnight drunk by noon
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
