Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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