My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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