Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
