So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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