i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
