I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
