My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
