i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
