So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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