there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
