i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
