I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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