fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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