Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
