Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I will be naked everywhere
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
