i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
