if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
