i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
