Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize