Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
