The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize