Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
