she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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