When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
