Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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