You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
