I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
