you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
