My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
