I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
nutella sex= disaster
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
