what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
