I'm so fucking centered right now
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize