Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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