Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
