Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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