life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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