You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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